Monday, May 19, 2008

Completely Bald White Guys

I am now completely bald (it looks pretty good) and, somewhat predictably, many people have told me that I resemble Lex Luthor. Not an unflattering comparison -- after all, he is brilliant and fabulously wealthy, not to mention a natty dresser, albeit megolomaniacal -- but the frequency of its invocation reminded me that there are very few pop-cultural touchstones for Completely Bald White Guys (CBWGs).

So, journey with me as I try to select my own personal CBWG icon. Please help me out with anyone that I might have missed!


CBWG Pros: Rich! Ambitious. Seems to be competent in whatever disciplines a given plotline requires him to be competent in.
CBWG Cons: Frequently foiled. Rendered as bumbling, vain, and ineffectual in silver screen adaptations.


CBWG Pros: Rich! (Richer than Luthor, even, according to the Forbes Fictional 15.) A benefactor to humankind.
CBWG Cons: Emotionally dominated by irrepressible moppet. Expensive research or philanthropic projects often fall prey to sabotage. No pupils.


CBWG Pros: Rad name. Anticipated both Vin Diesel's baldness and hard-to-pin-down ethnicity.
CBWG Cons: Fabricated exotic biography. Also, died of cancer (lung), which is inauspicious.


CBWG Pros: Was apparently awesome at blackjack. Those Player's Club International ads made him seem pretty slick. Kojak was good at solving crimes.
CBWG Cons: Died of cancer, goddammit!!


Let's move on.


CBWG Pros: Rebounds, mid-range shooting.
CBWG Cons: Personal fouls. Can't get it done on the road.


CBWG Pros: Authoritative presence in courtroom. Sweet man-child nature.
CBWG Cons: Target of John Larroquette's barbs.


Dano said...

What, no Moby?

So when I played Flatland in Germany, you were a big hit. "I luv how the Line King was like a pimp, ja!" That really, really seemed to register with this one guy...

Jessa said...

Excellent timing Cur-tez. Scrolling down to read each new CBWG was good enough, but ending with Bull's sweet man-child nuture made me laugh out loud in this very quiet, very empty office. Hope the final stretch is gettin' it done and everything tastes sweeter on the other side (from beer to mixed drinks to cheetos).